you can feel the love

"Dear Jesus...please help Joelle to feel better. And if she doesn't, then I will give her my Build-A-Bear. Amen!"

and we'll have fun! fun! fun! till my daddy takes the t-bird candy away

I love the fun that my kids have on Halloween. Dressing up in cute outfits (I'm against anything ghost-goblin-witch-scary-related) and getting free candy. What could be better?

And so far I love that their costumes have been mostly made out of things we already have at home -- or from the dollar store! For Joelle's school party on Friday she was a beautiful butterfly.

And for the actual trick-or-treating, she went as Merriweather -- the blue fairy from Sleeping Beauty. I know, it's not a beautiful flowy dress or anything, but she was just as happy with this!

Malia was a princess for both her pre-school party and trick-or-treating. We used the flowergirl dress she had from my cousin's wedding in summer and a tiara (which somehow didn't make it into the picture).

And now we are left with mounds and mounds of chocolate & candy -- more than what we know what to do with. You know it's an over-abundance when you still have a stash of last year's treats hanging around.

maybe i shouldn't have asked...

If you had a unique baby name picked out for your soon-to-be-born child, but just weren't quite sure if it was a good name -- would you ask people for their opinions? Or would you just decide on your own and go with it? If you asked for people's opinions and you got only negative feedback, then what? What if you still sorta liked it; would you still name your baby that, knowing that people gave it the thumbs down? Or would you ditch it and look for a different option?

See, if you just decided to go with it without asking people their opinions, you might never know what they really thought about it. Sure, they'd likely talk about it to other people ("I can't believe they named their baby that") -- but I think hearing a name after a baby is born can make a difference on someone's reaction to a particular name. Somehow having a little person actually going together with that name can make it more appealing, even if just hearing the name on its own would've otherwised caused you to make a face.

No, we are not tossing around baby name ideas or anything. I'm just using that scenario as a comparison for the real topic of today's post.

Last week I went shopping with a dear friend of mine, and I celebrated my 30+ pound weight loss with buying a few new tops. One of them was a bit of a different style, and as much as I loved the shirt, I was unsure if it was really flattering -- or if it in fact was the complete opposite. So after giving it some thought, I decided to post a picture of it on good ol' Facebook and ask for people's opinions.

Of course I was expecting some mixed opinions -- but as it turns out, only a few short minutes later I removed the picture as I had enough negative responses (and only negative responses) to make me almost embarrassed that I had even considered the possibility of it being a good shirt for me. Don't get me wrong -- I was glad for people's comments, as I really did want to know how it looked on me before I decided to rip the tags off -- but I was hoping for even one positive remark just to make me feel better.

With all of that feedback, you would think I would promptly pack the shirt up and return it. But even though there is obviously something about it that caused me to have doubts about it in the first place -- there is also something about it that really makes me want to keep it. But now how do I actually keep it knowing the things that were said about it?

If I would never have asked, I could've made the decision to keep it and then worn it with confidence. Nobody would've told me that it wasn't a good shirt for me. Sure, they might talk about it behing my back ("I can't believe she bought that shirt...it's really not flattering on her"), but maybe seeing me in it in real life, without just a picture to go on, would make them turn out liking it more. But then again, maybe not.

Sigh....maybe I just shouldn't have asked...

(But since I know you'd all be asking to see a picture of it anyway, I'll suck it up and post some. Here are 2 from slightly different angles.)

they're always watching you

Every once in awhile I get a reminder of just how strong an impact the actions of a parent have on their child.

Last week Malia and I did some painting at the kitchen table. Interesting how she ended up trying to make her pictures as close to mine as possible -- my artistic skills aren't very fine-tuned, so mine are the top pictures in case you couldn't tell. :)

It's not that I was surprised at the fact that she wanted to copy me. It's just a really good gentle reminder that the eyes of the child are always on the parents. And especially with me having girls, I will be their #1 role model.

And that is a job that I need to take very seriously.

love letters in the sky

I don't know about you...but I think that Anybody who would go to these extremes to wish me a good morning must love me an awful lot!

works for me!

I know a lot of you don't follow my other blog (okay -- my other 2 blogs), and I don't blame you! They are more for me documenting things for myself that I don't need to clog up my regular blog with.

But this deserves special mention. A lot of you probably know that I started up a Biggest Loser competition in my neighborhood (and surrounding areas). With the help of the extra motivation of being accountable to team-mates (and let's be honest...for bragging rights -- and the potential of winning prize money), I have pushed myself far enough to have lost a substantial amount of weight in the past 4 months.

In fact, as of 7:45 this morning, my amount of weight loss has officially hit the 30 pound mark. That's right -- I, overweight for my entire adult life (and longer), am finally winning the battle! I still have a ways to go -- at least another 20 pounds if not 30 -- but now I know that is it possible.

So how did I do it? Just what the comic strip above says: Eat less and excercise more! Yes, it really is that simple. I have not cut out a single thing from my diet. I still eat pizza, still drink Pepsi, still eat my daughter's birthday cakes. In fact, that's why it works. Because I am not denying myself of anything. I am simply eating in moderation -- an art that took me many years to learn.

And it's true what they say -- just by doing one or the other, eating less or excercising, it's not going to work. They go together hand-in-hand. Just like chips & salsa. Or Ross & Rachel. Or Pepsi and Andrea. They are a Dynamic Duo that require each other in order to be a true success.

I don't count points, I don't measure out portions. That might work wonders for some people -- but it's too much stress for me! I simply take smaller portions, refrain from second helpings, and limit my Pepsi and my snacking -- especially in the evenings.

Here is a recent picture of me when I had was just shy of the 25 pound mark. I am modeling a pair of my new -- smaller sized -- jeans. Which are already getting too big on me, I might add!

I have been told by many people that my weight loss has been an inspiration to them. Do you know how long I have wanted to be that person? It was always everybody else that was that person to me. But now that I have found what works -- you know, that crazy 'fad' diet! -- I get to spread the inspiration on to others. And that makes me feel very proud of my accomplishments!

**If you want to follow along more closely with my weight loss journey, check out my other blog, mission: possible **

letters from home

Les works long hours. As in, he's gone from home for approximately 14 hours a day during the week. This means that he often won't see his daughters until the weekend, other than a few minutes here and there (which the exception of this week, where he has somehow managed to get home at a reasonable hour a few times).

One of the 'rules' he put into place now that Joelle is in school is that she is supposed to write down one thing she did that day so he can read it when he gets home.

I admit that I am not very good at remembering to get her to do this every night before bed, but every once in awhile she leaves a little gem like this for her Daddy:

And he gets a little sneak peak into her day.

a little bribery goes a long way

Earlier this week, I was in the mood to re-arrange our living room furniture. After presenting the idea to Les and asking him for his help -- he said he'd do it if I would make him a carrot cake with thick cream cheese icing. He literally bugged me about this all. evening. long. (and drove me quite crazy, I might add).

I refused to bake it for him. Not that I don't like doing things for my sweetie. But after having 2 birthday cakes in the house within the last 10 days...well, I really didn't think it was in my best interest to have yet another cake (with the BEST icing in the world) to tempt me any further. So I put my foot down and said if he wanted carrot cake, he'd have to make it himself because I was not going to put myself in such a position of temptation.

Of course this was all done in teasing, even though I knew how badly he really did want that carrot cake. But the next day, I re-arranged the furniture on my own, thus preventing the need to bake the cake. :) He came home from work that night, and even though he was pleased with how the change looked, he was disappointed that he missed out on the bribe of the cake.

However, today, I regained some of the power. Thanks to the communications on Facebook, one of my neighbours knew how badly my hubby wanted carrot cake, yet how badly I did not want an entire cake of temptation sitting in my kitchen. She just so happened to be making such a cake for a family function this weekend, and offered to bring a piece by for my hubby. Yes, that's just the wonderful kind of neighborhood I live in.

Anyway...so I came up with something that would work in my favour. See, Les has refused to watch the movie "Twilight" with me. Mostly it's pride, I think. I'm sure once he watches it, he'd actually like it (although I doubt he'd ever admit it to me)...but it's getting him to watch it that has proved to be imposible.

Until today.

I wrote up a little 'contract' stating that if he watches Twilight with me tonight, he would get the nice big piece of carrot cake with cream cheese icing. But only if he signed it.

(click on the picture to enlarge it)

And he did.

I had to sweeten the pot a little bit though (I wrote it as PG as I could since we have a reading 6-year-old who thought this whole thing was rather funny), but it's a done deal.

The cake has been eaten and the movie is about to begin.

extra! extra! read all about it...!!

Wanna know how I've been doing emotionally these days? Click here to find out.

my precious princess

I didn't post anything on Malia's actual birthday -- October 1st. The main reason for that was because we only had her party last night, so up until now I didn't have any good cake pictures or anything. (And if I'm being honest -- Thursday was a no-good-very-bad-day that I'd just as soon forget anyway).

I had such a fun time making this Barbie/Princess cake yesterday. I have wanted my girls to choose a cake like this for the last few years -- but everytime I would show them some options on the internet, they would always end up picking something else (usually along the lines of an insect -- butterfly, ladybug, bumblebee...). But this year, I finally persuaded Malia that it would be so much fun to have a cake like this.

And I have to admit, it turned out pretty darned good (especially since you can't see the back)!

Malia was obviously quite impressed as well, as every 1/2 hour or so, she would climb up onto a bar stool and just stare at her pretty cake, not making a peep. And as much as I hate showing the side profile of my cake, I couldn't resist posting this picture.

For her party, we had 2 of her most favorite people in the world over for a pizza supper. They happen to be good friends of mine & Les', but her eyes light up like a million watts whenever she sees them, as they have had a huge impact on her short life so far. So thanks Paul & Laurel for making this a special birthday for our little miss Malia.

Now my 'baby' is four years old. Hard to believe, but it's true. And as much as I wish I could freeze time -- or even go back a little bit to treasure those last moments of baby'ism -- I had no trouble saying "NO WAY!" to her this morning when she asked if she could go back into my tummy.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little girl. Terrible's Two's might have been bad...and Thundering Threes might have been considerably worse...but nothing has prepared me for the Phenomenally Horrible Four's!! But I love her through it all and I am still proud of the little girl she is becoming. I just hope she grows out of this attitude sooner rather than later...so we have a bit of time before the Teenage attitude starts rearing its ugly head!

I love you, Malia! Your strong will may prove to be very difficult for us to deal with, but I pray that as you grow up, you will use your strong will to make good decisions for your life.

coming soon to a theatre near you...

Hollywood's newest stunt double!

If anyone can afford her, that is. :)

(**the messy background is all part of the movie set**)

she's no doogie howser

Yesterday afternoon, Joelle skinned her knee pretty badly while jumping rope. While I tried to calm her very over-reactive self down, I sent Malia upstairs to bring me a band-aid for her wounded sister.

After returning downstairs, a very proud Malia with the hugest grin on her face, handed me the asked-for band-aid as well as a bonus item...a travel-sized tube of Crest toothpaste.

I couldn't help but burst out laughing. I know she thought she was going to impress me by not only bringing the band-aid that I had requested, but a tube of Polysporin as well. I suppose here at home it's the thought that counts...but in an OR room, I'd have to say that I'd feel a lot more comfortable if she wasn't my doctor, just grabbing things that looked similar to what she was looking for. :)

knock on wood

I am not what you would call the superstitious type; not at all. However, when Malia selected a coloring book for me yesterday afternoon...

...I cringed.

I was not about to 'tempt fate' -- even though I don't normally concern myself with 'fate'. So I flipped through the book until I found a picture that could not specifically be connected with winter or Christmas.

No, this puppy in a wagon with a bow on it is not a present found under a tree in the cold month of December. It's a present given to a little girl on her birthday on a beautiful fall day.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

what do i know of holy?

(I am accompanying my sister-in-law in this song on Sunday morning in church. Have a listen to it -- lyrics are posted below. It is my new favorite and it sounds like it was written exactly for me.)

VERSE 1:

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all, No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

CHORUS:
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

VERSE 2:
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

CHORUS:
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

CHORUS 2:
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

CHORUS:
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

learning to deal

(I posted this on my "Then Sings My Soul" blog a week ago and thought I'd re-post it here since I'm not sure how many of you check that other blog.)

Okay, so I would say that I am officially weaned off of all anti-depressant medication as I haven't taken a pill in a week. One whole week.

And I'm still alive!

Honestly, the whole withdrawal process this second time around was quite manageable -- at least compared to the Paxil withdrawal that I experienced at the beginning of summer. The worst of it was just feeling exhausted and achey, like I was coming down with the flu. Not that those are fun symptoms to be experiencing -- but I'll take that any day over brain zaps and such from last time. It's all about perspective. And it (the withdrawal) all appears to be over -- for the most part.

So now what?

Well, now that I seem to be in the clear with withdrawal symptoms, I am left to deal with my emotional state as it was a year and a half ago before any anti-depressant medication had ever set up camp in my body. Not exactly as it was a year and a half ago...I know I was much worse off by Spring of '08 than I am now, in the Fall of '09. But I still find myself wondering how I am going to cope with life without the aid of medication.

I know this is not the best time of year to be the judge of that though. With Joelle just starting Grade 1 a few short days ago, it has already been a huge challenge getting used to all of the adjustments: eary mornings again, Joelle gone all day, Malia left at home needing to be entertained, making lunches/snacks every day, dealing with the exhausted Grade 1'er for the last 4 hours of the day...and all of it basically on my own as hubby is gone by 6am and doesn't get home until after the girls are in bed.

That's a lot for someone to handle at the best of times. Not to mention when they are just freshly weaned off of their meds and are trying to do things on their own.

There have been several times just over the past week where I have had to talk myself out of freaking out. Where I have had to remind myself to just breathe; take things one step at a time. Not one day at a time; one step at a time. Not to look ahead to the cool days of fall that are fast approaching (although it's hard to tell with the weather we've had all week...it's finally showing signs of summer, just in time for fall to show up). And especially not to look ahead to the dark, dreary days of winter that will be here much too soon for my liking.

Not to look ahead to the weeks and months ahead of 90% single-parenting, or sure bouts of sickness that will attack my family of 4 over the winter, of financial burdens up ahead -- you can never entirely escape those, of hearing about friends going through rough times and not being able to help, of weight ups & downs, of friendship issues...and the list could go on and on and on.

I realize that the things I am listing are everyday things that everybody has to deal with -- and I should just be able to take everything in stride like 'normal' people -- but it just doesn't work that way. Not with me. If I focus on the above list for too long...well, it's not pleasant. I get way too panicky and I just know that I can't handle it all. Life is just downright scary, there's no way around that.

And I know there are probably a lot of you who have things a lot worse than I do with life situations and may even be thinking: What does she have to worry about? She's got it so easy compared to me...and I don't need medication to get through it so why should she?

Believe me, I tell myself that all the time. I tell myself that I am being rediculous and that if I just trusted in God more, things would be okay. And you know, there is definitely truth to that to some extent. I do need to work on my faith and my level of trust in our Creator. But at the same time, that doesn't mean that if I do that, all of these issues will go away. See, I have learned that depression is a sickness. It's not just a bad attitude, or wallowing in self-pity. Not at all.

It may not be a fatal sickness (although I suppose for some it is, if it leads to them taking their own life), but a sickness nonetheless. And while faith in God can definitely help you through any sickness, it doesn't necessarily guarantee that you will be cured. And that is what I need to remind myself of. If I struggle with depression all of my life -- will it mean that I didn't have enough faith in God? Will it mean that I didn't trust Him for healing? No, not at all. A cancer patient can have all the faith in the world, and can still lose the battle. Someone with diabetes can be God's #1 fan and still have to take insulin shots on a daily basis.

And someone with depression can believe in their Saviour with their entire heart and soul and still need to rely on anti-depressant medication to get through each and every day.

I suppose this post is wandering a little bit. But basically what it comes down to is acknowledging the fact that I still have a problem. I still have a struggle with depression that isn't going to go away overnight. I may have weaned myself off my meds -- and I hope I can stay that way -- but that doesn't mean that I am magically cured. No, I would still consider myself in a state of depression...but I have hope.

I have hope that God will get me through one day at a time. I have hope that this 'disease' is going to strengthen my faith; that it will force me to spend more time relying on God and bringing me to a closer relationship with God. While my faith has never wavered, goodness knows I could sure spend more time with my Heavenly Father.

So now what? I ask myself.

Now I pour out my heart & soul to the Lord. I put my life in His hands with 100% faith that He will guide me. Whether that means He will guide me through a medication-free life, or He will guide me back towards meds...it's all in His hands. And I seek to do His will for my life, whatever that means.

I do know that things happen for a reason, and that God can take any situation and make good out of it. I am living proof of that. I can't even begin to tell you how many people -- some I know, and some who are complete strangers to me -- have emailed me or spoke to me directly to tell me of their struggle with depression. And how brave I am to be so forthcoming with all of it and how my story has helped them even a little bit. It has opened the door to so much communication and prayer.

And where there is prayer -- there is power.