i'll keep trying

"This is the day that the LORD has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it."

I am trying really hard to be able to say the above verse - and mean it - but I have to admit that I'm not being very successful. Just to warn you, this post will be negative - so if you're not wanting to read about someone complaining, you should stop now.

We are in the second day of March and it is snowing like crazy over here. It's a winter wonderland at the time when I want nothing more than to see signs of spring. Sure, yesterday things were melting and there was the beginning of spring in the air. But today we take 10 giant steps back.

People keep saying how we shouldn't be complaining this year as we have had a very mild winter and hardly any snow (until the last couple of weeks anyway). And yes, I know I should be grateful for the break in freezing temperatures the way we are so used to getting around these parts.

But winter is still winter, regardless.

Mild temperatures? Sure, we've had 'em for the majority of the season. But it's still winter. You still need winter boots, jacket and mitts to head outside. You still can't have your windows open. You can't sit on your front porch and read a book. You can't go for family bike rides. You can't go play at the park.

And next to no snow? Yup, that's been the case around here this winter. And while I have enjoyed not having to do much shoveling, it's also been hard for the kids. With too much ice & snow to keep us from doing spring activities, yet not enough snow to really be able to do much in it...it hasn't been very ideal either.

But aside from everything I already mentioned - winter is still winter because it's dark and dreary. The days are so short and once darkness falls, I begin to shut down. I can't even properly describe how I feel when the sun sets and I am surrounded by darkness. I have every light on in my house to try to somehow combat the way I feel.

And to top it all off - NOW it snows. We've had more snow in the last couple of weeks than we've had all winter...by far. NOW, when I so desperately need to cling to the promise of spring. NOW, when March is upon us and we're supposed to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

NOW, when I had plans to take the kids to visit their Dad for supper and the evening tonight to try to break up one of his long absences, the road conditions are absolutely dreadful and we had to cancel.

Yes, this is indeed the day that the LORD has made. I will keep trying to rejoice in it...

more on #285

In my last week's post of 1000 gifts, I said there was more to come on #285: an act of bravery. So here's the scoop!

Last weekend was monumental in our household, as Joelle got her ears pierced! If you remember back when Malia got hers done almost a year and a half ago, Joelle couldn't make herself go through with the act. And we certainly were not going to force her to.

We've known all along that she's struggled back-and-forth with it - at times insisting that she would NEVER get them pierced, yet knowing she was slightly jealous of her sister's ear decorations - but I was totally take off guard when last week Saturday she came up to me, out of the blue, and said: "Mom, I want to get my ears pierced today!"

It just so happened we were heading to the mall later that day anyway - although I would've made a special trip in just for that! - so it was perfect timing! Unfortunately we couldn't get an appointment until 4:00 where there would be 2 people available to do it, so it was a bit of a long day as we waited for the hours to slowly tick by.

Finally the hour arrived and it was go-time! Here is a picture of Joelle in the waiting area of the salon, nervously clutching her stuffed monkey.

I went first to show her it was no big deal. I had been wanting to get my 2nd holes done for awhile now so this was the perfect opportunity. But even though I didn't even flinch for mine (even though the 2nd holes hurt quite a bit more than I remember the first holes hurting), I could tell she was getting more nervous as she saw what was actually going to happen to her.

She had a couple of moments of uncertainty, but I had been telling her all day that we weren't going to spend 20 minutes deciding back-and-forth like we did the last time we made this attempt. It was perfectly fine if she wanted to change her mind, but then we were just going to walk out of the salon and not keep going back-and-forth. So when I gave her that reminder as she hummed and hawed for a moment, she quickly said "Okay, I want to try it."

She got in the chair and whimpered a bit and I could tell she was really scared yet she really wanted to do this. I held both of her hands and just kept telling her she was brave and it was all going to be okay. When the ladies aimed the little guns at her ears, Joelle said "No Mommy, no Mommy, no Mommy..." but it was different than the last time when she had the tremendous look of panic in her eyes. This time I knew she was just saying it out of nervousness but she still wanted to go through with it. So I just said "You'll be okay Joelle" and gave the girls the nod to go ahead.

1...2...3...click!

Voila - two beautifully pierced ears! The crying started immediately upon the click but didn't last for very long once she realized that she had actually gone through with it! Here's a picture of Mother & Daughter with their new ear holes (Joelle still looks like she's in shock over what just happened).

And here is my beautiful 8-year-old, oh-so-proud of her new ear decorations.

This child of mine is getting braver and braver. I'm so proud of her for taking the plunge and not letting her fear stand in the way of something she really wanted.

1000 gifts: #278 - 302

[278] His mercies that are new every morning
[279] spontaneous games of Yahtzee with a friend
[280] sweet scores at the latest clothing exchange
[281] answered prayers for a friend
[282] playing in the snow

[283] love notes from my main squeeze
[284] unlimited text messaging to keep the romance alive through his absence
[285] a surprising act of bravery (more on this to come!)
[286] a holiday Monday - and having the husband/daddy home to spend it together with us
[287] my cozy bed
[288] sleeping in
[289] a bacon & egg breakfast
[290] a waffle supper
[291] the daily reminder of his love for me (that lasts far longer than the flowers)

[292] physical healing from colds & flues (my particular cold still could use some more healing though...)
[293] my girls' uncontrollable giggles
[294] hearing imagination at play
[295] the ability to rearrange my work schedule so I can be home with the girls on this unplanned snow day
[296] finding a cheaper price on a washing machine
[297] girls who love to play hotel and restaurant
[298] finishing a good book
[299] girl's night out
[300] alone time with my guitar
[301] a sing along with my 6 year old
[302] looking over to see her eyes closed and her hands raised as we sing to our God

STILL working it out: part V

Sheesh, I never realized just how much my job change would affect my life. I gotta be honest - this house cleaning business just ain't my thing. I know people think there are a lot of pros to being a self-employed house cleaner...but with the way I've been feeling lately, all of the so-called pros have cons that go directly with them.

Here are some examples:

1) You can make your own hours. Well, this is true only to a certain extent. Sure, I could be very firm in saying that I will only work Tuesdays & Wednesdays...but more often than not (so far anyway) this hasn't worked out that way. I have had to make changes 3 times in the past few weeks for clients who have needed a different day - either due to sickness or just a change in schedule. It's not really a big deal, and there will be times when I will want to reschedule things due to our own household sicknesses or scheduling changes. But my point is that it's not all just the hours that I want. I still need to be flexible and work around my clients' needs.

Besides, I can only make my own hours as long as I have the clients to fill them. Let's say I want to clean 4 houses a week to meet my budget needs but can only get 3 a week. Not really in my control.

2) You don't have to "get ready" for work, you can just roll out of bed and go. To me this is not a pro at all. I love clothes (as I'm sure you all know by now) and dressing nice for work was always something that I l-o-v-e-d to do. I wouldn't necessarily go all out and fancy, but I would always look nice. Now I dress down to go to work - jeans and a t-shirt and my indoor runners. Yippee.

3) You're your own boss. Uh...not really. In fact it's quite the opposite. I have multiple bosses; currently I have 7 of them. Ultimately I report to 7 people, I get paid by 7 people and I can get "let go" by 7 people. So I'm hardly my own boss.

Those are just 3 examples.

Now don't get me wrong...there are definitely still pros to this job. It keeps me physically active, it's a job where I can see the results of my labour and can be proud of myself, and I am making someone's day by the work that I am doing. And in all honesty, it's not really a bad job. My clients are all mostly tidy and provide me with a comfortable working environment. My worst chore by far is bathrooms, but even that isn't a big deal in most houses since it's kept up regularly.

But I'm just struggling with so many aspects of the job still. One of the struggles for me is the unpredictability. Not just with having to change the date of a cleaning job here or there - but never actually knowing how long someone will be keeping me on for, or if I'll have more people ask for my services and have to make scheduling changes to accommodate people. I have yet to settle into an actual routine, as people and places are changing on a weekly basis.

I started out in January with 5 regular clients. After having gone to one particular home (the last client I met in the beginning stages), I just found that I was very uncomfortable there. I won't go into too many details here on my blog but I'll just say that the whole time I was there I was looking for a reason to not ever have to go back. When I got home from that particular place, I had a message from my friend asking if I wanted another client because she had one that she just wasn't having time for. So I was actually able to drop the place I was uncomfortable with to take on this new place. Excellent.

Then one of my other clients told a friend about what I was doing for her (just cleaning her floors) and so her friend wanted to get me to come to her place to do floors and bathrooms for her as well. Okay, so now we're up to 6 clients.

Shortly after that, this 6th client told her cousin about me, so her cousin wanted to set something up with me as well. Hello Client #7.

And in the midst of all of this, a woman who I cleaned once for before Christmas (who then decided it wasn't in their budget to have a regular house cleaner come) asked if I could start cleaning for her afterall - every 3 weeks starting in March...and likely only until summer. Welcome aboard Client #8.

However, after cleaning for Client #6 only one time (last week), I was informed by her today that she will no longer be needing me. A reason wasn't given, all she said was that if her situation changed in the future she would let me know. So I'm thinking that finances were an issue.

But this brings me back to point #3 from above, about me NOT being my own boss. I was just "let go" by one of my clients, bringing me back down to 7.

I actually also unofficially have a 9th client I suppose...er, 8th client now I guess. Someone who doesn't want a set cleaning schedule (i.e. every other week or even monthly) but rather that when she falls too behind on things she might call me up and ask for me to come. Well, that call happened for the first time last night. And while I technically did have time to do it tomorrow, I've been under the weather since Sunday and have just really been looking forward to a quiet, relaxing day at home tomorrow. So I told her no. To be honest I'm not sure how often a spur-of-the-moment cleaning request will turn into a "yes" from my end. I feel like I have a full enough schedule (even with my recent 'firing') and I hate having something come up so unexpected. Like I said, there's enough unpredictability with this whole thing already...not sure I'm up for something like this too. Not to mention that by the time she asks me her housework has really fallen behind...

And then to add to this all...Client #8 (who is now Client #7) just left me a message this evening wondering if instead of starting in March, if I can start...tomorrow?!

{Sigh} I'm exhausted. I'm stressed. And now to add to it all, I'm also paranoid. Of what? you might ask. Well, of the reasons why Client #7 decided to 'let me go.' She never actually said it was because of money, and my mind wanders to the "what if she didn't think I did a good enough job?" possibility. And if that's the case...well, living in a small town news/gossip can travel quickly. I'd hate to get a bad reputation when I'm working really hard and doing what I'm sure is a good job. I'm sure her being disappointed isn't really the case, but I just can't help but wonder and worry just a little bit.

And yes, while I mentioned earlier the job itself isn't actually so bad - it's also not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I would love to find a job that I can say I truly enjoy and not just be able to say "it's not so bad."

But until then...I guess I'll just continue to roll with the punches and do my best with what I've got. I'm still home for the girls when I need to be, I'm still contributing to our family's finances. And for now that's just going to have to be enough to keep me going when there are days (like today) when I wish that I didn't have to.

anybody else SAD?

After re-reading my last post about my emotional state, I started to wonder if people perhaps thought I was over-doing it. Not based on anybody's feedback or anything (any responses have been very supportive and encouraging), but I just catch myself wondering if deep down people are thinking things like, "What's the big deal? So your kids were sick - it happens." Or "So you had to start a new job, at least it's only 2 days a week." Or "I single parent all the time, you're lucky your husband is at least home on weekends for the most part." Or "It's winter. Everyone feels this way this time of year." Or "Try living MY life for a week and you'll really have something to cry about!"

I was starting to think that perhaps people thought I was some sort of a quack; that I was using depression as an excuse when things got a bit rough. That really, that's how everybody feels and I just need to buck up!

And then I read an article in my new Chatelaine magazine. It was entitled "Winter got you down?" (written by Stacy Lee Kong) and it was about a young woman who suffers from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). In the article she gave an example of how "one day last fall, Laura learned she'd have to go into work for a few hours on her day off. "I bawled for hours over something so simple," she says. "There was this voice in the back of my mind saying, 'Why are you being so ridiculous? This isn't a big deal.' But even a little thing like that can make it seem like the worst day ever." "

Man, she hit the nail right smack dab on the head. A sick child one day may seem like no big deal to someone else. Other people might have no problems switching part-time jobs - in fact, they might even thrive on the change. And some people soar through winter without so much as a yawn.

But to those who suffer from SAD - or any other form of depression/anxiety - those things others consider to be small can seem almost insurmountable.

Here's another excerpt from the article which explains the differences between SAD and winter blues:

"It's common to confuse SAD with a bout of the February blahs, but they're actually very different. Having the blahs means you're occasionally bummed about the early sunsets and bone-chilling temperatures. And you might be more into naps and carbs than you would be during the summer, but your general disposition and energy levels don't change.

SAD symptoms, on the other hand, are more serious and can persist to the point where they affect your work and relationships.

"There were days when I just couldn't get out of bed; I felt so sensitive and fragile," {Laura} says. "

I learned some interesting facts about SAD throughout this article. One is that females are eight times more likely to have it than males. It's also more likely to occur between the ages of 15-55 and to those who live in a northern country. That last one makes good sense, as us northerners have colder weather, shorter days and less sunlight.

Luckily this article also provided some ways to help get through SAD, including light therapy, natural sunlight, diet & exercise changes and of course anti-depressants if needed. Here are also a few quick-fixes for anyone who's having a bad day, regardless of their emotional diagnosis:

Eat Right - opt for food rich in Vitamin B6 (things like bananas, spinach, chicken and fish) and don't skip complex carbs such as whole grains - they have mood-boosting benefits!

Sleep Well - If only this was entirely in my own control!!

Sniff Citrus - This was an interesting one to me. Apparently there is a link between smelling lemon oil and an enhanced positive mood! Also, the scent of orange apparently reduces anxiety and improves your mood. Who knew?!

Fake it - This one basically suggests that putting a smile on your face, whether you feel like it or not, can actually lead to the real thing! It's worth a shot, right?

So - do YOU have SAD? Here are some things to look out for as indicators (especially if you fit in some of the other categories - gender, age, and location):

* Your energy levels plummet and you feel like you can't get out of bed
* You lose interest in seeing friends and family
* You find yourself crying over the slightest thing (you know, like spilled milk!) and can't figure out why
* You can't shake feeling depressed, tired and anxious most of the time
* You feel miraculously back to your old self when the days start getting longer

Uh...check! check! check!

Now, I'm not self-diagnosing myself with SAD specifically. I do know that I suffer from depression & anxiety, whatever title it may have. And while I definitely feel love and support from my family and friends when I hit a rough patch, it was just really comforting to have found this article last night and read about someone else who really gets what it's like. Who knows that while other people might think it's ridiculous to cry for hours over getting called into work - something like that really can seem like the weight of the world on your shoulders.

It's not that I want to be able to say that I have it worse than most people - but I do want people to understand that depression is different than the winter blues or just having an 'off' day. It is an actual condition - a disease, even - that is often hard to put into words.

Again, this post isn't spurred on by anybody's comments. I just know that it is often said that people don't really talk about depression and what it's like, so it's hard for others to understand. I hope this post can shed even just a little bit of light on what living with depression is like.

And that it might even inspire someone who is suffering silently with it to find the courage to admit that this is what they're struggling with and that it's okay to tell someone about it.

more to the story...much, much more

As you all know by now, I've been going through a big change in my life in terms of my job. It has brought about a lot of stress and anxiety over the past couple of months.

But there's more to the story than just that. I hit a huge rough patch in my life in December and January and I feel like it's time that I get it out in the open.

It all started early December. Les was just returning to 'regular' work hours after another l-o-n-g stint of being out of town during the week. It had been over 6 months of him being away Monday-Friday, and like last time I felt the need to be strong during his absence. But once he was finally home again for nights, it was the go-ahead that I needed to be able to begin to release the emotions I battled against while he was away.

It's not that I necessarily pretended that all was well over those months - I just did what I had to do to get me and the girls through it, being the only parent at home during the week. And once I no longer had the stress of being the only parent around, I guess I felt that I could allow myself to sort of lose control, knowing that Les was now around to help pick up the pieces.

So that's what started things off. Well, I guess what really started it off was the time of year. The dark (literally & figuratively) time of year known as fall and winter. That's what really started it off.

And then it just went from bad to worse. My kids had a long string of sickness that plagued our home from beginning of December right on through to the beginning of January. Now, I tend to get overwhelmed when we have sickness in our household at the best of times - nevermind when I'm already emotionally fragile. I know I don't like people giving details of illnesses on Facebook for no other reason than just to let everybody know the gory details - but this goes along with my "getting it out in the open" so I'm going to get into things a little bit here on the blog.

Joelle started things off at the beginning of December with a nasty cough that was just not leaving her alone. While this was still going on, one Thursday night, I got up to check on her after a pretty big coughing fit. As I was about to walk into her room to make sure she was okay, I saw movement in Malia's room. I was taken aback to see Malia hunched over her bed throwing up on the floor. Without getting into it further, let's just say that was a really long night.

I was determined to not let that get to me though. I felt confident that I had done enough hand-washing to keep me from getting sick, Les has a stomach of steel, and Joelle hadn't had the stomach flu in several years, so I figured that would be the end of things.

But apparently not. On the Sunday night it was Joelle's turn to be sick (after having seemed "off" all day during church and our Sunday School Christmas program). Another long night. But after that I felt myself relax a bit, thinking one of the bonuses to only having 2 kids is that it doesn't take very long for sicknesses to go through both of them.

Unless it comes back around, which it did for Malia the following Wednesday night. Ugh, 3 sleepless nights all within a week. So now not only am I already in my regular state of winter depression, I'm also incredibly anxious about what was next - including thinking that I myself couldn't possibly escape this the 3rd time around (which somehow I miraculously did!) - AND I am also incredibly sleep-deprived.

It was right about this point where I was feeling so unbelievably low. Still reeling from the effects of my many months of single parenting, now adding in the stress factor of all of the illness floating around, the lack of sleep, and the stress of my job being pulled out from under me. I was also working "double-duty" this particular week. Going into the office for my regular 2 days a week (as I still had a few weeks left of my employment at The Company) plus cleaning on my 'off' days for a few of my new clients who wanted a clean done before Christmas.

Oh right. And then there was Christmas coming up right around the bend. The girls had their school concerts on different nights, I had to provide snack for Malia's school party one day that week, I had to finish buying & wrapping presents...so all that plus working every day that week right up until the Christmas gatherings started....it was enough to push me over the edge.

For those couple of weeks I could barely function. I did what I had to do - go to work (both 'old' and 'new' work), clean up from sick kids (with Les' help of course, but I was the one who camped out in their rooms for the nights when they were ill), doing the laundry, disinfecting the bathrooms - only to have to do it all over again a couple of days later - but that was about it. I was going to bed by 9:00 every night. I was hungry but my anxiety was so strong that I couldn't stomach a lot - especially in the morning. I could have a piece of toast with margarine on it but that was it. Nothing with any flavour; my stomach just couldn't take it.

Then there were some nights where I was so anxious that even though I was super tired, I forced myself to stay up until at least 10:00 at which point I would ask Les if he would come up to bed with me because I just didn't want to be alone. And if the girls made noises at night that needed checking on, I started waking Les up to go and check because I didn't want to deal with whatever might be waiting for me behind their doors.

I felt like a zombie. I had minimal interaction with friends and family. I didn't even participate much on Facebook - and even this blog. Like I said, I did the basics during the day and other than that I slept and cried. And cried some more.

And then I had a really, really good day on December 23rd. Christmas at my parents' house. It was wonderful and I felt truly relaxed for the first time in weeks. I had a feeling things were only going to get better from here.

Until the next day - Christmas Eve - when Joelle woke up at 6am complaining of her stomach hurting and feeling like she was going to throw up. Which she did two hours later. Seriously?! What is going on????!!!! On the morning we were going to celebrate our own family Christmas? You have GOT to be kidding me. And just like that, I sunk down low again.

See, once I've been fighting with it again - even once I think I've got it beat, one small thing can bring me w-a-y down again. Just like that. It turns out Joelle's morning 'episode' was a one-time thing and all was well after it was done, so thankfully we still got to carry on with our plans. But it wasn't as enjoyable as it was supposed to be and I was once again an anxious wreck wondering when in the world my kids were going to stop throwing up and we could be a normal household again.

Well, 'normal' wasn't in the cards for us just yet as Joelle woke up on Christmas morning (at Les' parents' place) with a sore throat, which was diagnosed 2 days later as Strep throat. And on the day we were planning to take the girls on a little family trip to the U.S. Thankfully we got Joelle anti-biotics and she still wanted to go, so we took off as planned and just hoped for the best.

And we got *almost* the best. Joelle recuperated pretty quickly on the trip and after the first day or so, we were pretty much in the clear and ended up really enjoying ourselves. I felt much more relaxed and refreshed. Still stressed about the fast-approaching end to my then-current job, but a bit more relaxed none-the-less.

We rang in the new year as a happy & healthy family in the comfort of our home. With ice skating in the backyard, games at the kitchen table and an evening of snacking and laughing. The new year was bound to get off to a good start, I was sure of that.

Turns out I don't have a very good track record for having accurate feelings on things of the future. Three days into the new year and we had yet another sleepless night with Malia making many, many trips to the bathroom (other end this time). Two days after that brought a weekend of Joelle waking up several times both nights complaining of severe stomach pains (the weekend before back-to-school).

I was seriously ready to just quit. Give up. Wave the white flag. I was finished. At this point I was an extreme emotional wreck. I don't even know how to properly explain it. But with everything all added up together - the time of year, the over and over and over again illnesses, the job stresses, etc. - it was just too much. I would wake up in the middle of the night and have massive pressure on my chest. I would have to force myself to just take another breath - a deep breath - to calm down. I was on the verge of panic attacks on a daily basis.

And I couldn't imagine the thought that after only one more night, Les was going back to work. He had been off work for 3 whole weeks over Christmas and it was seriously the biggest blessing of all-time to have him home with me throughout all of this. He wasn't going to be heading out of town again (yet), but just the thought of having to do the morning/after school/supper parenting alone again while still dealing with my depression & anxiety at such an extreme level was enough to make me want to hyperventilate.

I don't even remember the first week of back-to-school (and work); it's all a blur. But somehow I managed to make it through. This first week of back-to-school - and work - was also my LAST week of work at The Company. So as you can probably imagine now that you've heard how the previous month went for me, it was an especially difficult time. And of course, following right on the heels of my last week of work was my first week doing my new job.

And I can't forget a phone call that opened up a door that I have tried to keep firmly shut for almost 3 years. It ended up being not all bad - kind of therapeutic, actually - but it was still one more thing to add to my already over flowing plate. It's something that I still need to fully process, but for now it's sitting on the shelf until I am in a more proper state of mind to be able to deal with it. I know when that time comes, it will bring about many emotions and it will be extremely difficult...so it's not healthy for me to delve into that at this point.

It was literally one thing after another for weeks and weeks on end. And I don't even know how long it took me to be able to relax at night-time; to not be wondering who was going to be waking up with what sort of ailment. To not wake up at every whimper, frozen in fear as I waited for the possibility of running footsteps to the bathroom. To finally get a good night's sleep.

So, now that it's February, how are we doing? Well, I was given a slow transition of Les going back to work (he was off for a day here and there over his first few weeks back to work after the Christmas break before the full-time - and then some - work started again) to allow myself to get used to him being gone again. I am slowly getting adjusted to my new job - although I still miss my old place of employment something fierce and would take that job back in a heart-beat if I could. The girls and I all were fighting coughs/colds this week but are otherwise fairly healthy for the time being.

I don't break out into tears anymore - although some days I feel them right on the surface. I still have periods of anxiety (to many different strengths and degrees) but haven't felt close to a panic attack in a couple of weeks. I am starting to socialize again - in very small amounts (so as a side note: please don't take it personally if you have felt me pulling back lately...trust me, it isn't you!). In short - I feel like I might be on the mend. For now.

With depression and anxiety, the thing about it is that you never know how long it's going to last. And when it's going to strike again. Or what will bring it on. It is a battle that I am continually fighting. For the last while I thought I was losing...but now I feel just a tiny bit of hope. And that hope is carrying me through.

HOO's got talent

My girls are really into Fuze Art these days (the only reason my iron ever comes out of hibernation!). Sometimes they just make patterns - or a mish-mash of colors with no rhyme or reason (usually Malia's specialty) - but last week Joelle made one that I thought was really quite incredible.

She came up with this owl using her own picture that was in her mind and brought it to life:

I was disappointed at first about what she did with the top sides and I wondered what it was supposed to be. I didn't understand why she would wreck her creation with an unbalanced pattern. Until she told me what it represented and then it very quickly became my favorite part of the project.

Ready for this? The yellow beads on the right hand side represent the moon and the blue beads interspersed with the yellow on the left hand side represents the starry night.

Yup, pure genius! I love watching her creativity and imagination.

Q&A - Part III

Wow - it's been 3 months since I last did a post to answer your questions from my 950th post celebration! Shame. on. me.

In the last edition, I said next up was talking about my fears - specifically my colossal fear of flying. Here are the fear-related questions that I was asked:

Pam asked: if you could face one of your fears head on which one would it be? [ie. flying]

Well, I will be the first to admit that I have oodles of fears. Too many. I'm not entirely sure which would be the one that I would single out to face. Flying seems like the obvious one and it does fit the theme of the next couple of questions...

But just in case some of you were curious as to [some of] my other fears - here's a quick snippet: tornadoes, really loud thunderstorms, moths, grasshoppers, change, dying, the end of the world, heights, cancer or other terrible illnesses plaguing me or one of my family members, losing a child, the stomach flu, being trapped in small spaces...oh the list could go on and on.

My lovely aunt Margo asks: My question (and maybe challenge) is ~ when are you going to fly?! Since that is a shared fear (might I even call it a phobia?) I feel like it's ok to "confront" the topic. As much as I HATE to fly, it certainly does open up the world. I have flown to 3 different locations (totalling 13 ups and downs!!) in the past 10 months. If I can do it, you definitely can!

Ummm...I'm sure Les would like an answer to that question, too, of "when are you going to fly?" Of course my gut reaction is to say NEVER. I really wish that things would change where I could actually picture myself flying somewhere in the future (for Les' sake much more than my own), but if I'm being completely honest, I just don't see that happening.

I know there are lots of people who fly even though they have the same phobia, exactly like my aunt. And to them I say "Good for you - I'm impressed!"

But for myself? If I even think about it too much, I get very panicky. Sometimes when I'm outside and I'm looking high up in the sky at an airplane in flight, I try to imagine myself w-a-y up there in that plane...and I seriously have to keep myself from having a panic attack. It just doesn't seem natural; nobody should be that high up in the sky in a huge aircraft like that. I need to remind myself that I am not on that plane. My feet are, in fact, firmly planted on the ground.

I have had many dreams nightmares about being on airplanes. They never end well. Not that I always crash, but I always freak out and I wake up completely terrified. I think some of those dreams stem from the way my sibling would scare me growing up. They would threaten that they would knock me unconscious and drag me on an airplane and when I'd wake up, I'd be thousands and thousands of feet up in the air. GAH!!

Some people have made comments to me like, "Don't you feel bad for keeping your kids from going on trips?" And to that I say, Pa-shaw! When we were growing up, we never flew anywhere for vacations. We drove. And drove...and drove...and drove. Not everyone needs to fly to an exotic location to give their family a memorable vacation experience. My children are not going to be deprived of anything because of their Mother's fear of flying. Besides, not everyone can afford those kinds of trips anyway, fears or not! A lot of people end up doing more of their traveling when their kids are adults and out of the house anyway - you know, when their children are able to go on trips themselves...with their own families!

But I feel like I'm going off on a bit of a tangent here. ;) Bottom line: I really don't think that I will ever fly anywhere (and to be fair, Les was well aware of that when we first starting dating!!). Fear isn't logical and fear can't really be measured from one person to the next.

(Doesn't mean Les is going to stop trying to convince me though...)


Tammi asked: If your family were given or won a trip that included flying, how would you handle it? And if you HAD to fly for a vacation, where would you want to go to make it worth the ordeal of flying to get there?!

These are tough questions to answer, because it's really not very likely that we will ever be given (or win) a trip. And we would never really HAVE to fly for a vacation - it would be a choice.

But to refer back to my previous answers of saying that I really don't think I would ever fly anywhere, I would have to say that we would probably decline the trip. Call me crazy (it wouldn't be the first time) but that's just the way I feel.

Taking this in a slightly different direction, I have thought about other scenarios where I might be forced to fly. And really the only way I could see that I wouldn't have an option is if one of my girls would one day move overseas (again, not overly likely). If I had a child living across an ocean - where driving there wasn't an option - and especially if I had grandchildren living there...well, let's just hope that doesn't ever happen because again, just thinking about it completely terrifies me.

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Now, some of you may be bothered by my answers - or certainly frustrated with them at least. But they are my own feelings on my own fears. I just want to request that I don't get any comments listing statistics (again - fear isn't logical, so statistics ain't gonna do any good for me), or telling me everything that I'm missing by not flying, or that I need to trust God more - that the airplane will be in His hands. This particular phobia of mine is absolutely paralyzing and at this point in my life, nothing's going to change that and I just ask that you respect that.


I promise my next issue of Q&A won't take another three months to get published. But I also promise that it will be on a much lighter note: broken down cars, restaurants, movie stars and $100,000.....

working it out: part IV

Well, life is certainly changing no doubt about it. Last week was my first week not being employed at The Company in just under 12 years. And I still have very mixed feelings about it - but mostly still feelings of sadness and even emptiness.

I know that job didn't define me by any means, but it was still a part of my history for a really long time and it will take awhile for me to process letting go of that part and moving on. I'm trying but it's not easy.

Last week was also my first week officially starting my house cleaning business. I started out with my biggest client - a house that takes 5 hours to clean from top to bottom (3 floors in total).

I actually took a picture of the house through my van window before leaving on Wednesday, because I wanted to give people an idea of just how big this place is. It's for sure twice as big as my house - if not more.

When I started cleaning it for the first time by myself (my Mom helped me with it the very first time back before Christmas), it took a lot for me to control my anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed. I started in the kitchen and I just kept thinking about how much I still had to do...the dusting, the vacuuming, washing the floors, cleaning 4 bathrooms - top floor, main floor, basement - it was enough to almost make me panic.

But then I told myself to just breathe and take things one step at a time. To not look at the whole picture at once, but look at it in pieces. Just clean the kitchen first. Then move on to the next thing.

Before I knew it, I was finished the main floor and was moving upstairs. I stopped at the stairs to observe my work and I couldn't help but smile and feel a great sense of accomplishment. I looked at all of the main floor rooms - the living room, the dining room, the kitchen, the family room, the bathroom - and they were all sparkling clean. The kitchen looked bright. The hardwood floors shone all through the house. The family room carpet was smooth and free of any debris.

I actually started to feel excited about making the upstairs look just as good! Now, this is a fairly clean house to begin with - in fact, the first time my Mom and I went to clean it, it seemed like it didn't look any different after we left than when we got there - but this time I could actually see the improvement. It was obviously in a bit different shape this time around and it felt good to be able to see the results of my work.

After the second floor was done I smiled again. I was proud of what I had done. I had worked hard and it was evident. The house looked beautiful.

I did it. I did it. I did it!

After a quick clean of the basement to finish things off, I was out of there and driving back home. I was exhausted, yet I felt a sense of pride.

I know I won't always feel like that. I have 3 different houses to go to within the next 2 days and I know that I will be tired - especially after spending a couple of hours cleaning my own house this morning - and I know that I won't always feel that same sense of accomplishment.

There will be days when I will not want to go to work. Where I will not want to have to clean yet another toilet or wash another dining room floor. Where I will not want to look inside another dirty microwave or dust every surface.

There will be days where I will wish I was back at The Company, sitting at my familiar desk and doing my low-key computer work. Where I only have one place of employment to report to - and not 5 different clients. And there will be days where I will feel overwhelmed at having to do this new job week after week after week after week.

But I was reminded at that house last week that regardless of the circumstances and how it got to be like this, one thing is for sure...

God is behind it all. He is the one who opened these new doors for me and He is helping me work it all out. One step at a time.

i'm not laughing...okay, maybe i am

The other night while Les and I were saying good-night prayers with the girls, Malia prays:

"...and be with Daddy as he goes back to work and me and Joelle going back to school...and Mommy even though she doesn't do anything..."

Les and I both immediately jerked our heads up and looked at each other with surprise and smirks on our faces.

Malia had her eyes open and saw our reaction and quickly tried to shovel herself out of her hole by continuing her prayer:

"...I mean, Mommy does lots of things, I was just joking."

Nice save, Malia. Nice save.