a journal in the making

**edited -- see below**

I haven't talked much about my journey with depression lately, and I figured now was as good a time as any to continue writing my story, based on some recent events (you can read the latest 'chapter' here).

I have been on the anti-depressant, Paxil, for just under a year and a half now -- and it has done wonders for balancing my emotions. It also has given me 485+ nights of dreams, for not a single night has gone by since I started taking it, where I do not wake up remembering one bizarre dream or another.

Other than the constant dreaming, the only other side effect (and the only negative side effect altogether) has been weight gain. Certainly, I have contributed to the weight I have gained over the course of the past year and a half -- but not all 30 pounds of it have been just due to my bad choices and lack of discipline. My doctor warned me from day one that the majority of people who take this anti-depressant will put on weight.

At the beginning, it didn't really bother me -- because I knew that my mental health was more important than just a few pounds (or 10). But as the weight kept going up, I kept getting more and more frustrated, especially since I already knew I needed to lose a good 30 pounds before ever starting on this medication. But since the medication was working in every other way, I didn't want to risk trying out a new one, never knowing what kind of other side effects would come my way.

But finally -- just 2 1/2 weeks ago -- I knew that things needed to change in regards to my weight as I reached my all-time high (including when I was 9 months pregnant with either of my girls). Not only am I participating in a Biggest Loser competition that I started up in my area (click here for my mission:possible weight-loss blog), but I figured I'd give myself the biggest benefit I could by at least attempting letting go of my current medication.

So I made an appointment with my doctor, and together we decided that it was definitely worth a try to see if we could find a drug that would both help my mental state and also keep the weight from continuing to pile on.

I was worried about weaning myself off of my beloved Paxil (see here for a list of commonly experienced side effects) -- but for the next 2 weeks I did as discussed and went down to 1/2 my dose and just this week Tuesday I took my first small dose of the new drug, Wellbutrin.

At first I didn't notice any withdrawal side effects from weaning off of Paxil, but after about a week into the process, I started experiencing brain zaps, extreme irritability, night sweating, the sudden urge to cry (sometime it could be controlled, other times not so much), the odd panic attack or two, and just overall highly emotional days. Thankfully the brain zaps only lasted for a couple of days before I got a reprieve from that particular side effect.

When Tuesday morning came -- the day to start taking my first dose of the new anti-depressant -- I was a bit nervous. Now I would be putting myself at risk for not only the withdrawal symptoms of Paxil, but also the new possible side effects of taking a different drug.

One of the biggest side effects that I have been warned about with Wellbutrin is insomnia. Now, this is already something that I experience -- it's mostly a seasonal summertime issue -- and have experienced for the past decade. So with Paxil, one of the things that I loved so much about it was that it caused me to sleep really deeply, thus having all of the dreams. It is more of a relaxing/lethargic drug, whereas Wellbutrin gives more energy -- which is, I guess, what leads to the insomnia.

It will be interesting to me to see how my body reacts to a different drug -- especially one with very oppposite side effects. One causes deep sleep and weight gain; the other insomnia, higher energy levels and apparantly weight loss. Pros and cons to both, I suppose.

I have taken 3 small doses of Wellbutrin so far (and after about a month, I will go up to the higher dose) and so far I have still been sleeping fine -- and dreaming just as per usual. The only negative thing I seem to be experiencing so far is more brain zaps again, starting just yesterday. I guess with me now being completely off of Paxil, the zaps are getting another run at things. I'm hoping that within a day or two they will stop again.

And that is where I am at. I still find myself more emotionally unstable, but I'm confident that will all start to change again when I am fully on the Wellbutrin and it starts doing its job. As I continue to fight this on-going battle with depression, I always appreciate -- and feel the effects of -- support, encouragement and prayer.

**Edited to Add: After writing this post yesterday, things started taking a turn for the worse. My evening was full of almost non-stop brain zaps and I started getting very fidgety and panicky, on the edge of tears the whole time. I ended up going to bed at 9:30, hoping to calm my body down and escape the symptoms. Thankfully, it worked -- and although it was a restless sleep, I managed to get lots of rest.

This morning, however, things returned to the way they were last night. Extreme anxiety, emotions running high, crying, brain zaps a-plenty. I think I am getting myself too worked up over things, and I need to remind myself to stay calm; that this is only temporary. But if you could send up an extra prayer on my behalf, it would be greatly appreciated. It's scary having your body go through withdrawal (and/or experiencing new effects of a different drug), and as I write this, I am sitting on my front porch with tears streaming down my face. I only pray that I have made the right decision to switch things up and that in the end I will be happier because of it.

yield to oncoming traffic

I am generally a rule-follower. For the most part. I have never been one to carry the label of a rebel -- in fact, "goody two-shoes" would be a more accurate description.

Just the other day, while out on the open road, I noticed a truck came to a complete stop at a yield sign. Even when there was nobody coming for miles (okay, I was coming -- but not in the direction that would've impacted the driver's decision). Now, even being someone who is normally all about the rules, I have to admit that I thought that was taking things a bit to the extreme. The sign says to YIELD, not come to a complete stop -- especially when nobody else is around.

I got to thinking that in my life, I tend to come to complete stops at yield signs -- even when it doesn't particularly make sense; when there is no legitimate reason to. I think I yield too much to other people and their wishes/desires even when I have the right to inch ahead on my journey after doing my appropriate 'shoulder checks'.

Maybe this analogy will be a little far-fetched (and by all means, I do think it's better to be safe than sorry when it comes to driving -- especially after the fatal accident that occurred in a nearby community just the other day)...but sometimes I need to be a bit more of an agressive 'driver' in my own life.

Yes, it's good to be careful and look out for other people's feelings before driving full steam ahead. And being cautious isn't necessarily a bad idea in almost any area of life. But there is a line.

I don't need to go to be that overly cautious -- or even paranoid -- driver and sit at a yield sign for 5 seconds at a complete stop when there is nobody around as far as the eye can see. And by the same token, I don't need to put my life at a complete stand-still either just to make somebody happy or to make sure that everybody likes me.

I guess lately I just feel like I over-apologize to people, or that I allow people to put a guilt trip on my shoulders, even when it's not really justifiable. I feel like I 'cave' too easily, or just go way out of my way to bring peace to a situation. And although bringing peace to a situation, or going out of my way to make someone happy can sometimes be a good thing -- and the right thing -- but with my sensitive nature and people-pleasing personality, I can tend to go a bit overboard.

So from now on I want to make sure that I still obey the traffic sign of yielding to oncoming traffic -- you know, since I am a 'goody two-shoes' at heart -- but I no longer want to be that driver who unnecessarily comes to a complete stop.

message in a bottle pj shirt

(Okay -- today hasn't been that bad, but normally this is how I'm feeling. Afterall, just look at those eyes. Don't they say t-r-o-u-b-l-e?)

**edited to add: okay, NOW it is one of those days...I wonder if it's too late to pick up the phone and make that call...**

reason #2,368,304 why i smile...

...is seeing how much my hubby loves all 3 of his lovely ladies!

(And reason #2,368,305 is seeing my little Miss Malia with ice cream all over her chin.)

Happy Father's Day to the love of my life!

(and also to my own most amazing Dad, whom I admire more than anybody else in this world)

be thou my vision

Several weeks ago, Les and I went shopping for plants, seeds and flowers for our gardens. It was a rare sunny day at that point in our pathetically cool & cloudy spring, so I was donning my sunglasses to protect my eyes from that blinding yellow ball in the sky.

I was slowly walking through the aisles of beautiful flowers, occasionally picking up a particular plant that I loved, placing it into our cart. I had what I thought was a beautiful arrangement of bright colored beauties when Les pointed out what he said was a bright purple-colored plant that I was still looking for.

"That's not purple," I said. "It's called pink and I already have pink flowers in the cart."

"Uhh...An..." he replied. "It's definitely purple."

I never thought that my husband was color-blind before, but it was obvious at that point that he was. I took off my sunglasses to get a better look at the color to prove him wrong, when I noticed that...he. was. right.

It was most definitely a bright purple flower.

In fact, my sunglasses had changed the colors in my vision so drastically that all of the flowers I had already chosen were nothing like the flowers that I thought I had picked.

Instead of bright pinks, purples & blues...they were the palest blues and purples I had ever seen. Nothing eye-catching like what I had wanted. I ended up putting everything back and starting from scratch again -- this time without my sunglasses so I could get the true effect of the colors. I'm just glad I realized it before I got home and was ready to plant them!

Sometimes in life I think we walk around with 'sunglasses' on...seeing things in a different light than what is really true. Something can look so appealing to us through these sunglasses, when in the end it's not really what we wanted. After taking the glasses off, we realize our vision was skewed and we ended up with the consequences of making our decision through tinted glasses.

I want to live my life with my sunglasses off. I want to look at things through Jesus' eyes. I want my vision to be clear; to see things for what they really are instead of getting a false glimpse which will only take me down a road of hurt & disappointment.

...but I'm still going to put my actual sunglasses on when it's a sunny day! :)

let's get ready to rumble hoopla

It's been a l-o-n-g time since I have Hoopla'd...so I was excited when I discovered I had been High-Fived by Tammi.

Eight things I am looking forward to:
1. My "Biggest Loser" competition that I started up (which officially starts on Friday)
2. Les' annual camping weekend with the girls (a.k.a. My Weekend of Complete Freedom)
3. Making my daughters' birthday cakes again in fall
4. The release of "New Moon"
5. A long summer
6. Getting hugs from my girls tomorrow
7. Learning to play the guitar
8. Getting together with my friend Jackie (hopefully next week!)

Eight things I did yesterday:
1. Slept in till 8am (accidentally)
2. Had lunch with friends
3. Went to a doctor's appointment
4. Drank a delicious Pepsi slurpee
5. Made a meal for a neighbour
6. Ate the portion of the meal that I made for ourselves (mmm...beef enchiladas!)
7. Said good-bye to a best friend
8. Stayed up WAY too late

Eight things I wish I could do:
1. Drink Pepsi in moderation
2. Dance
3. Wake up early to work out
4. Not take things so personally
5. Shop with somebody else's money
6. A complete cycle of laundry all in one day (washing, drying, folding AND putting away)
7. See a taping of the Ellen DeGeneres show
8. Keep my house cleaner on a daily basis

Eight shows I watch:
1. So You Think You Can Dance
2. Ellen (both her current talk show AND her old sitcom which recently starting airing re-runs on TV-Tropolis...so technically that counts as 2)
3. 90210 (yes, I admit it)
4. Desperate Housewives
5. Friday Night Lights
6. Friends (the re-runs are just as hilarious the 100th time around!)
7. American Idol
8. Criminal Minds

relationships 101

Have you ever tried to keep a relationship going that's only one-sided? You know the kind -- where only one person is putting in the effort. It's next to impossible.

You can't make a relationship work if only one person initiates getting together. Or if only one person phones to check in on someone but never the other way around. Or if only one person shares personal information, but the other one keeps everything to themselves. Or if the only time you actually do end up making the initiative is when you are in a bind and just need help.

I can tell you right now that that's not much of a relationship. And it's not very likely to succeed.

So what makes me think that my relationship with God is going to to be any different? I am ashamed at the lack of effort I put into my relationship with my Heavenly Father. With my Creator. The One who loves me unconditionally.

I hear Him knocking on the door. I hear the 'phone' ring. I constantly get 'emails' from Him. But when do I knock on His door? Do I even know His phone number? How often do I reply to His emails?

And do I ever just sit down and visit with Him about everyday things, or do I just wait until I'm in a crisis and then expect Him to come to my rescue? How often do I really take the time to sit down and learn more about Him?

Relationships are a two-way street. That's just the way it is. And if I truly want to have a relationship with God...

...I need to get off of this one-way!

living out her mother's dream

I always wanted to be a flowergirl when I was little; I think probably every little girl has that dream. But it never happened (although it happened to my sister, and I was extremely jealous!).

However, this weekend, my little Miss Malia got to live out my childhood dream by being the most beautiful flowergirl that I have ever seen!

Both her and the ring-bearer did an excellent job going down the aisle (while blowing bubbles) and I was so proud of my little princess. It was such a special honour and she was so proud of herself!

Here are some more pictures of the big day:

it's about time!

Remember this? Well, I finally have a good reason to wear it tomorrow -- for the first time -- at my cousin's wedding (that Malia is also a flowergirl in).

Pictures to follow...

how many did you get right?

Okay, I finally have the answers to the 25 Questions about me. Every answer has a link (or two) where you can read up on it if you want to.


1. Who got me started on blogging to begin with? My old neighbor Erin did -- read it here.

2. How many nieces & nephews do I have? 6 nieces and two nephews

3. How many years have Les and I been married? We celebrated our 7th Anniversary last September.

4. Where did Les and I have our first kiss? Find the answer here.

5. What used to be my favorite season? Fall

6. What is now my favorite season? Summer

7. What is my #1 choice of beverage? (if anybody gets this wrong, I'll be very surprised!) Pepsi, of course!

8. What was the hardest thing I had to give up when I got married? I think only 1 person got this one right: My Church

9. Do we have a real or fake Christmas tree? Real

10. When I go shopping for myself...what is my biggest weakness? I would accept accesories for this answer, but I was really going for purses.

11. How old was I when I got my ears pierced? 29 years young

12. What was the name of my 'blog carnival' that I tried (unsuccessfully) to launch? Winter Activity Menu Challenge

13. What is the thing I am most scared of, weather-wise? Tornados

14. What is the word I made up to use in place of 'meme'? Hoopla

15. What is the word I made up to use in place of 'tag'? High-Five

16. How old did I turn on my last birthday? Thirty

17. When I'm at work, what beverage do I like to drink with my morning piece of toast and cheese whiz? a cup of hot tea

18. What is my biggest regret in life? I was surprised that not many people knew this one either. Read about it here.

19. What is my least-liked facial feature? My nose (go to the bottom of the linked post)

20. What is my favorite TV show of all time? Friends, of course!

21. What kind of birthday cakes did I make for Joelle and Malia for their latest birthdays? See here for Joelle's cake and here for Malia's cake. I have to say, I'm very proud of my pieces of art!
22. What do I claim to have as a rare talent? This is another one that most people didn't get. Check out the answer in these two posts here and here.

23. What is my least favorite household chore? Laundry! (also see here and here)

24. What is the scariest thing that has happened to me while at work? I experienced stroke-like symptoms and had to get taken to the hospital.

25. Which of my daughters got the black eye in fall, and which one got the fat lip? Joelle got the black eye and Malia got the fat lip.

Thanks to those who played along!

beautiful music

*picture is of my girlfriend's beautiful daughter

do you see what's wrong with this picture?

(ps: the answers to my 25 Questions will be posted sometime this week -- so if you haven't participated yet, but would still like to, you still have time!)

a different world

This afternoon on the way to swimming lessons, the girls starting telling knock-knock jokes (or their version of them anyway).

They wanted me to say one so I did this one:

Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
Boo!
Boo-Who?
Don't cry, it's only a joke!

Joelle 'got it' and proceeded to tell it back to me, getting it right word for word. Then Malia took a crack at her version of it:

Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
Flip-Flop!
Flip-Flop Who?
Don't cry, Mommy! (giggle, giggle)

Oh, to live in the world of a 3-year-old where that actually makes sense!!

and the answers are...

...not being revealed yet.

I have had several responses (both in comment form and email form) on my 25 Questions Blogoversary post, but I am still waiting for more to come in.

Specifically (in no particular order)...ahem:

Jackie, Andrea, Pam, Pam, Pam, (no that's not a typo -- I really am waiting for 3 different Pam's...aside from the one who already did), sisters Tammy and Michelle, my Mom, Margo, Shelley, Jenn, Mel, HolleeAnn. And if you don't see your name on this list, it's not that I don't want you to do it -- it's that I'm too tired to think of everybody's names!!

I'm not saying that I'm necessarily going to wait until ALL of these people have participated, but I'd like a few more of them to at least. And if you're uncomfortable with other people seeing your answers, just email them to me (andi.andi@live.ca). The answers emailed to me will not be displayed to anybody.

twenty questions...okay, twenty-five...

In honour of my 2 year blogoversary, I have finally decided to post a quiz about things I have posted about since I began this journey in the land of blogging.

Try to answer the questions without looking at other people's answers in the comment section. And if you don't want to leave a comment, you can always email me your answers at andi.andi@live.ca. All answers can be found somewhere within my last 606 posts!! Some are easy, others might be more difficult. Also, those who know me in real life will have an easier time too, but I'm looking forward to reading everybody's guesses!

No prizes will be awarded for the person with the most correct answers. I know...I'm boring. This is just for fun. So good luck!

1. Who got me started on blogging to begin with?
2. How many nieces & nephews do I have?
3. How many years have Les and I been married?
4. Where did Les and I have our first kiss?
5. What used to be my favorite season?
6. What is now my favorite season?
7. What is my #1 choice of beverage? (if anybody gets this wrong, I'll be very surprised!)
8. What was the hardest thing I had to give up when I got married?
9. Do we have a real or fake Christmas tree?
10. When I go shopping for myself...what is my biggest weakness?
11. How old was I when I got my ears pierced?
12. What was the name of my 'blog carnival' that I tried (unsuccessfully) to launch?
13. What is the thing I am most scared of, weather-wise?
14. What is the word I made up to use in place of 'meme'?
15. What is the word I made up to use in place of 'tag'?
16. How old did I turn on my last birthday?
17. When I'm at work, what beverage do I like to drink with my morning piece of toast and cheese whiz?
18. What is my biggest regret in life?
19. What is my least-liked facial feature?
20. What is my favorite TV show of all time?
21. What kind of birthday cakes did I make for Joelle and Malia for their latest birthdays?
22. What do I claim to have as a rare talent?
23. What is my least favorite household chore?
24. What is the scariest thing that has happened to me while at work?
25. Which of my daughters got the black eye in fall, and which one got the fat lip?

Okay -- those are my questions! Have at 'er!