Friday, March 20, 2009

cravings, challenges and confidence

In my recent search for the lost part of me, I'm realizing that as much as I want to complete this journey in a few giant strides, it really requires baby steps to get to the finish line; one baby step at a time. And since I have always struggled with patience, this was not a conclusion I wanted to come to. But it is what it is.

I have, however, already learned something about myself. It may not necessarily have come as a complete surprise to me -- nor may it be all that different from a lot of you out there -- but I did make myself dig a little deeper into the 'why' of it. Are you ready for it?

I need to feel accepted.

See? No big suprise right? We all desire to feel loved and accepted. But I began to realize how much that desire actually impacts my life. And how often I get hurt because of it.

As I have mentioned several times in the past, my primary love language is definitely -- without a doubt -- words of affirmation (click here to take the test to figure our your own love language). This means that I feed off of people's compliments, encouragement and affirmation. I don't (as much) need people to give me a hug or to bring me a gift -- although those are all great things too. I need to hear people say positive things about me and I need to know that these people want to spend time with me.

I know it's silly -- but I want to be everybody's first choice. I want everybody to tell me how wonderful and special I am, and how much they love hanging out with me. I want to be everybody's best friend. I know it's not realistic, but that's just the way it is. So when I don't get included in absolutely everything that goes on, or when I feel that somebody likes somebody else more than me, I get hurt. I'm not getting that verbal affirmation that I crave.

I am also a peace-maker who doesn't like it when anybody is upset with me. Even if I feel like the other person should be making the first move to make things right, I will often go out of my way to make sure that things get patched up. It may mean that I apologize for something that I honestly don't feel was wrong, or to take responsibility for something that I don't believe was my fault. But in the end -- to get things fixed and have that person happy again is all that matters to me. Being as stubborn as I am, this comes as a bit of a surprise. But that just goes to show how important it is to me to have people like me.

While these realizations may not be entirely negative, I do feel like I need to 'get a grip' and gain some more confidence in myself.

I need to remind myself that I am affirmed in God's eyes. I need to remember that I am loved by my husband, my daughters, my family and my many friends.

And I need to realize that I am not everybody's best friend. And that it's okay. Just because I am not everyone's favorite, it doesn't mean that I am not loved.

While I don't necessarily want to change this part of me (I think there are many positives to being more on the sensitive side), I do want to challenge myself to fine-tune it. And I want to end up being as confident in myself as the woman in this picture looks -- without relying on my 'cravings' to get me there.


andrea said...

we have more in common than just our name! i can so relate to your feelings. How my heart gets hurt over issues but yet my head can understand the other's perspective. God made us social and desire friendship and to feel needed and wanted by others. as you feel His arms around you, my prayer is that you'll feel this confidence in Him!

Jamie said...

I am so much like you in needing affirmation and having people like me! (Does it help to know you're not alone?)

Mamarazzi said...

soooo TELLING!! i love learning new things about myself and i love the journey you are advice:

find the JOY in the JOurneY.

i took the love test...i am all about quality time. so interesting because i feel totally lucky to have this from my husband. because of his work schedule (hours and days off) we get to spend a lot of quality time together and that makes me VERY happy!

Kelly said...

Wow, as I read that it was like you were speaking those words right out of my mouth! I struggle with this daily. I take everything personally and it tears me apart until I feel I have "fixed" it. I too hope for that balance. I hope you find what you are looking for.

BTW great picture!

Pam said...

first of all- you look stunning in that picture! You are gorgeous girl!

You and I are a lot alike- I like to hear the words too!

Roo said...

xo i love love love that photo you have posted of yourself. you are absolutely stunning!

Roo said...
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Margo said...

Oh, Andrea...could we be more alike?! I totally could have written this blog. Know that you are special and I love you!!

Louise said...

I so echo some of those thoughts!!
I know we have never met in person but I do like you just the way you are :) HOT PIC!!!
HUGS dear!!

Sheila said...

This post I can totally relate to! I battle with all those issues so often.

common mom said...

Everyone needs affirmation . . . you're just fortunate that you know what KIND of affirmation you need. Me, I don't need the words . . . I need the hugs and looks, and mostly I need to feel it myself.

I, too, NEED friends - I hate it when people don't like me. I have the worst conscience ever, which makes me lose lots of sleep over stupid things most people don't care about. Like you, I'll go out of my way to make things right. But honestly, is there anything wrong with that?

I like your challenge to yourself . . . you are a wise woman.

Leeann said...

First...LOVE the pic. LOVE LOVE LOVE it.
Secondly...point to me one woman in the world that deep down doesn't feel exactly like this. We all want to be loved and accepted...but we forget to love and accept ourselves.

Moi said...

I'm glad I went back in time to read this. I've been struggling with this EXACT same thing and have allowed it to be all consuming in my life for a long time now.

It's funny though because I saw other posts on your blog where you talk about your great friends and that made me cry thinking "wow is she ever lucky to have so many caring people in her life!!!".

So from someone who longs to have ONE best friend who cares like that, I'd say you are a very special person and you should look in the mirror and see that "she" is great and all the others surrounding you know it too, they just may not have the words or express it the way you need to hear it.

This post is pretty old now so hopefully you have passed this hurdle and have found peace.

A#2 :)