Tuesday, December 15, 2009

i once was lost...

...and I think I still am.

Not in the spiritual sense like the familiar line in Amazing Grace implies (I once was lost, but now am found). I don't even know how to properly word how I'm feeling lately, but I'm going to try. Maybe it will help me understand myself a bit better.

I have been desperately lonely lately. Not depressed (Goodness knows, I don't understand it -- but after fighting off minimal bouts of 'winter blues' early in November, I have since been completely free of any actual depression). So no, I'm not depressed. Just lonely.

It seems like one thing after another is contributing to this feeling. First of all, there was the complete destruction of one of the closest friendships I have ever had back in March. Almost immediately following that was another close friend moving 2 provinces away. Both of those absences -- although very different in their nature -- have created huge gaps in my life that are not being filled by anyone or anything else.

Another one of my best friends and I are drifting apart. I used to be her 'glom', she would say. Someone she sort of attached herself to after moving here; we were practically inseparable. Now our lives are moving in very different directions. She has more friends than I can count, and chooses to almost constantly be surrounded by them -- whereas I am more of a home-body.

As much as she called me her 'glom', I think I depended on her much more than she depended on me. I don't fault her for putting herself out there, gaining a whole slew of friends and dividing up her time amongst all of them. But I do envy her.

I have been trying to reach out to others, make new friends -- especially those who have kids (preferably girls) Malia's age; something that can benefit the both of us. I want to connect with other people and put myself out there; a bit out of my comfort zone. My wall is getting in the way of that a little bit, but I am trying. But another hinderance to this is that I feel not many put the effort in to get together with me in return. I feel like I am all but forgotten in this 2-storey cookie-cutter house.

Yet another thing -- a very recent thing -- that is making me feel a little lonely is the fact that my Biggest Loser competition is over. After 2 rounds -- and 25 weeks -- I hung up my hat as the co-ordinator, as well as a participant. There are others forming a new committee to keep it going, and they have 20+ people who are committed to another round starting early in the new year. While I am very proud of what I started, and am happy that it is continuing even though I am not...part of me -- the very selfish part -- is wishing that it would've stopped with me. You know, like they just couldn't carry on without me.

Words of encouragement is my love language, as I have mentioned several times before, and believe me -- I got a good dose of this love language throughout this competition. I was looked up to, I was admired, I was becoming people's inspiration, and I was being thanked for my efforts in this on a weekly (if not sometimes daily) basis. And I thrived on that. There are reasons I decided to end my part in Biggest Loser (of which I hope to yet blog about, either here or on my weight loss blog), and I stick to them. But part of me can't help but feel like I am going to be missing out on a lot by withdrawing from the competition in all forms. And, selfish as it is, I am going to miss all of the positive comments that came my way from running this whole thing.

So after all of these things, I am left wandering...wondering...and lost.


Bailey said...

Frienships have always been hard to come by for me. I too often feel lonely. I will pray for you, Andrea.

Pam said...

Oh Andrea- I'm so sorry you are feeling lonely right now. I understand this- and fight it all the time myself. Ever since I changed jobs last year, I feel lonely. Not really fitting in with the 'old' group anymore and not fitting in with the 'new' either. I often say that if I were sick for a week, no one would notice :( So I do understand what you are saying here. I just don't have any words of wisdom! I am thinking of you!!!!

andrea said...

you are a treasure to all you know. and i too am guilty of not spending the time with you as I should. You are real, sensitive and super thoughtful! I have gone thru some tough friendship losses myself (so tough that I started a prayer journal/blog to cope). I read back that journal from last year, I was totally amazed at how God not only answered my prayers but blessed my socks off with friendships. I was looking and fighting for friendships that weren't what God had in store for me. As i let go and ached the loneliness of loss, God was preparing something huge in my life! I do believe God makes things happen for a reason. I will pray that you will feel God's peace, and feel close friendships as He opens doors in your life.
Love you girl!

Kathy and Carl said...

It's hard when you're in the middle of something and receiving the support you need, and then be on the outside looking in. I'm sorry that the last while you've felt friends and places to belong slipping away. I will pray that a special friend will come your way.

Anonymous said...

First, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Second, to read you write this is kind of shocking. I have followed your blog for a while and often admired all the wonderful friendships you talked about and how amazing your neighborhood sounded with all the young families hanging out. I wanted that BAD. Still do but have accepted that it's not meant to be, for now anyway.

My suggestion to you is to find someone who you think may be lonely too. Someone who may be stuck in a hospital bed or at home sick. Someone who needs YOU to reach out to them, bring a coffee, have a chat about the weather. It most likely won't bring YOU the kind of friendship you desire right now, but I'm willing to bet you will warm that persons heart right up and in turn, will fill a void in your own.

I read a quote not long ago that sticks out in my mind a lot "The world doesn't know you are lonely. You have to open up your front door and get out there!". Easier said than done, I know cause I'm SO there, but it's true.

Take care and I hope you find your groove again.

Xandra@Heart-of-Service said...

Reading your post felt a little like reading my mind. I want friends and the yrelationships that go along with it, but sometimes I feel like my efforts aren't reciprocated and it hurts.

I'm praying for you today. You've been such an encouragement to me as you've traveled through this season of weight loss, and I always love reading your posts about your sweet girls. I hope that you find renewed friendships and new friends in unexpected places.


Melissa said...

Sweet sweet Andrea- this post made my heart hurt too:( I am sorry you are feeling this void- I know how you feel about the lose of (that) relationship cause I miss her like crazy and have really struggled with this over the last little bit and have been longing for family too- it Christmas time and I really miss all the family gatherings. I hate the long winters too:( I wish we lived closer then we could play more often cause I consider you such a dear friend- I love you and will be praying for you too- hang in there this season shall pass!huggs!

Joanna said...

I totally get where you're coming from. I feel like I'm in the same boat. I think the kicker for me was hearing the reason the relationship fizzled was because I was too negative. Silly me! I didn't know there was a way to be positive in the middle of depression and panic attacks.