...and I think I still am.
Not in the spiritual sense like the familiar line in Amazing Grace implies (I once was lost, but now am found). I don't even know how to properly word how I'm feeling lately, but I'm going to try. Maybe it will help me understand myself a bit better.
I have been desperately lonely lately. Not depressed (Goodness knows, I don't understand it -- but after fighting off minimal bouts of 'winter blues' early in November, I have since been completely free of any actual depression). So no, I'm not depressed. Just lonely.
It seems like one thing after another is contributing to this feeling. First of all, there was the complete destruction of one of the closest friendships I have ever had back in March. Almost immediately following that was another close friend moving 2 provinces away. Both of those absences -- although very different in their nature -- have created huge gaps in my life that are not being filled by anyone or anything else.
Another one of my best friends and I are drifting apart. I used to be her 'glom', she would say. Someone she sort of attached herself to after moving here; we were practically inseparable. Now our lives are moving in very different directions. She has more friends than I can count, and chooses to almost constantly be surrounded by them -- whereas I am more of a home-body.
As much as she called me her 'glom', I think I depended on her much more than she depended on me. I don't fault her for putting herself out there, gaining a whole slew of friends and dividing up her time amongst all of them. But I do envy her.
I have been trying to reach out to others, make new friends -- especially those who have kids (preferably girls) Malia's age; something that can benefit the both of us. I want to connect with other people and put myself out there; a bit out of my comfort zone. My wall is getting in the way of that a little bit, but I am trying. But another hinderance to this is that I feel not many put the effort in to get together with me in return. I feel like I am all but forgotten in this 2-storey cookie-cutter house.
Yet another thing -- a very recent thing -- that is making me feel a little lonely is the fact that my Biggest Loser competition is over. After 2 rounds -- and 25 weeks -- I hung up my hat as the co-ordinator, as well as a participant. There are others forming a new committee to keep it going, and they have 20+ people who are committed to another round starting early in the new year. While I am very proud of what I started, and am happy that it is continuing even though I am not...part of me -- the very selfish part -- is wishing that it would've stopped with me. You know, like they just couldn't carry on without me.
Words of encouragement is my love language, as I have mentioned several times before, and believe me -- I got a good dose of this love language throughout this competition. I was looked up to, I was admired, I was becoming people's inspiration, and I was being thanked for my efforts in this on a weekly (if not sometimes daily) basis. And I thrived on that. There are reasons I decided to end my part in Biggest Loser (of which I hope to yet blog about, either here or on my weight loss blog), and I stick to them. But part of me can't help but feel like I am going to be missing out on a lot by withdrawing from the competition in all forms. And, selfish as it is, I am going to miss all of the positive comments that came my way from running this whole thing.
So after all of these things, I am left wandering...wondering...and lost.