I guess it's just part of being female, this whole feeling of jealousy and feeling left out. Does it ever go away? It starts oh-so-young, and based on my own personal experience -- it doesn't seem to get any better when you're in your 30's.
You start to question yourself -- what you did, how it got to this point, and what is it about you that causes this to keep happening. And when will you feel like you finally have a place where you truly feel that you belong.
On the few occasions where I have voiced some of these feelings to people, they are surprised and remark, "I always thought you had tons of friends." Well, there are many different levels of friendships -- and as I am realizing over the past several months, the ones that I have (with very few exceptions) are at the shallow end. You know...surface friendships.
Is this my fault? Do I not know how to nurture friendships? Do I push people away? Do I have an unlikeable quality that makes people second-guess spending time with me? Do I not open up enough? Or do I talk about myself too much?
Do I just not fit in anywhere?
I know hole-ing myself up in my house isn't going to solve anything...but it just might prevent me from getting hurt again. And again.