Friday, October 29, 2010

lonely

I guess it's just part of being female, this whole feeling of jealousy and feeling left out. Does it ever go away? It starts oh-so-young, and based on my own personal experience -- it doesn't seem to get any better when you're in your 30's.

You start to question yourself -- what you did, how it got to this point, and what is it about you that causes this to keep happening. And when will you feel like you finally have a place where you truly feel that you belong.

On the few occasions where I have voiced some of these feelings to people, they are surprised and remark, "I always thought you had tons of friends." Well, there are many different levels of friendships -- and as I am realizing over the past several months, the ones that I have (with very few exceptions) are at the shallow end. You know...surface friendships.

Is this my fault? Do I not know how to nurture friendships? Do I push people away? Do I have an unlikeable quality that makes people second-guess spending time with me? Do I not open up enough? Or do I talk about myself too much?

Do I just not fit in anywhere?

I know hole-ing myself up in my house isn't going to solve anything...but it just might prevent me from getting hurt again. And again.

7 comments:

momto9 said...

I feel this way often. And come to the conclusion to trust in god that he will provide me with the fellowship I need and my job is to keep my thoughts pure (not bitter, not selfish, not analysing everyone etc etc)

but yes I totally relate!. not sure if it ever goes away completely!

jen - guess which one!:) said...

Awe :( I feel for you - I too feel this way ALL THE TIME. You are not alone! Maybe you and I should get together for a coffee/playdate again?! I'd certainly like it!! I often hole myself up in my house too and my problem is that being a stay at home mom, I think everyone else is too busy to be bothered by boring me so I leave it up to them so here I reach out to you:) let me know if you are interested - but either way - YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE!!! <3

PS( I actually think we have LOTS in common ;))

PPS (Thanks for your comment btw - I appreciate it!)

The Brandt Family said...

Oh Andrea, I have felt the same way. And just when I think those feelings have gone away, they resurface.
I pray that God will give you peace and answers to your questions.

Mamarazzi said...

i think i know how you feel. i feel that way a lot of times too. honestly the whole reason i began blogging is because i was not connecting with the women in my new community. 5 yrs later i am still not connecting with anyone in this community. i was reaching out to people hoping to make "friends" and "build my tribe". i am soooo thankful for the friendships i have made through blogging (YOU). but there are days when i wish i could just wiggle my nose and be closer to these friends for a lunch date etc.

i have real life friends but there are few of those friendships that run deep.

i do feel like i need to get out of my house more and make myself more available to friends so that those shallow friendships have a chance to grow.

saying a prayer for you...HUGS

Kathy and Carl said...

I feel often in your same shoes where I have lots of friends, but when it comes down to it, no one to share my heart feelings with. I will pray for you that God will make it obvious who in your life is also in need of a deeper relationship.

I prayed for that in CA and lo and behold, I had a gal I hardly knew tell me that she was lonely and hoping to grow a deeper relationship. Gosh! Thank you God for being so obvious!

I pray the same can be for you, because everyone needs at least one kindred spirit to be completely honest and real with.

andrea said...

i can understand your pain. don't you find the friends come and go in waves? crazy! but it's so tough feeling alone and knowing that those you've spent lots of time with have choosen to spend their time elsewhere, not call as often or at all thus making you feel disconnected and somewhat vulnerable (or that at least that has been my experience).
God always provides. Share your heart with Him. These friends have moved on because God is preparing something greater for you...and I can't wait to see what God is planning!
It's not you! I'm praying with these other friends.

Anonymous said...

We don't know each other, but so often your blog posts say exactly what I feel and can't find the words for! Reading all of the other comments, it's nice to see none of us are alone in feeling lonely. But it doesn't make it easy. I can't go to those I have surface friendships with and say, "I've been feeling lonely," because (in my opinion) they'll just think I'm needy and pull away. Maybe those people are not really my friends! It also sucks when you think that you have a friendship with someone, only to feel time and again that you're they're project or only part of their lives when they feel like having you. Hope you can connect deeply with even just ONE other woman in your community. One solid friend is worth so much.