Friday, October 7, 2011

the gift

I think it's safe to say that all of you have been aware things haven't been so light & fluffy around here lately. And it's not just here on the blog - it's like that in real life too. There haven't been very many times in the past quite awhile where I have felt real joy.

And I think that's very sad.

However...yesterday was different. I felt truly happy for the first time in I don't know how long! I hadn't realized how much I had missed laughing. Or even just smiling - real, genuine smiles.

God sent a blessing to me yesterday straight from Heaven. He smiled on me and reached down to remind me that joy still really does exist. And I grabbed on to that gift.

And I laughed. Really laughed.

And I smiled so big and so long that my cheeks were sore. And I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

I felt happy. And less lonely than I have felt in a very long time. I felt hopeful. I felt alive. I felt needed.

I felt wonderful.

And it was all because of a random visit to someone's house to buy something I saw online - who was supposed to be a stranger - and ended up being a friend from long ago. Right in my very own town!! You could almost hear the 'click'. The one that was there all those years ago when we used to know each other.

God knew what I was needing at this point in my life. And He provided. Just like He provided for me already a few months ago with another re-connection with a friend from my past. And these aren't just acquaintance re-connections.

They're the friendships that you might go a long time without seeing each other - but when you do? You pick up right where you left off. No awkward silences - just constant chit-chat as you catch up with each other. Where you can relax and completely be yourself. The ones that make you wonder why you don't spend more time with each other 'cause it just fits.

God has also given me the gift of new connections too. Ones that were even initiated by the other party. For someone with the insecurities that I struggle with, that's a huge thing. To be sought out; to feel liked without obligation. He is showing me that I deserve to be surrounded by the kind of people who love me and want to spend time with me; that the ones who seem to not want to give me the time of day aren't worth my time or my frustration.

These are gifts that I treasure - friendship, love and laughter.


Anonymous said...

So very good to hear you had a great time and felt some joy creep back!

"He is showing me that I deserve to be surrounded by the kind of people who love me and want to spend time with me; that the ones who seem to not want to give me the time of day aren't worth my time or my frustration."

YES YES YES!!!! I just "got it" myself after spending YEARS chasing people down seeking connection and friendship. Why don't they like me? What am I doing wrong? Why do I feel used?? Then one day I read something in relation to those feelings that said "stop and take a look at those 'friendships', stop thinking about why they don't like you and think about if YOU even LIKE THEM???". It was quickly evident to me that NO, I didn't really feel connected to their morals, values and their contribution to our "friendship". I often felt like I was always there for them but when I was in need, they were the last to respond to emails or calls (if ever) and made no effort to connect until they needed something from me. I created that, I always made myself a "yes" woman and thought that is what a real friend should do. But it was a huge price tag because I wasn't ensuring I was looking after my own soul first.

So I stepped back, focused on myself and taking care of myself, life was breathed back into my soul and I've been attracting NICE people into my life, it's the most bizarre thing and it's so incredibly rewarding after spending SO much time chasing people down, trying SO hard to make it work. I am no longer looking to others to fill the void inside of me after wishing so long I had a true "bff". I needed to be my own bff and stand strong for myself. All of this sounded like such a selfish prospect to me in the past and I just could not fathom how it would actually change my life for the good.

Please be good to YOU, take care of yourself, put the oxygen mask on YOU first so that you can then be available to the great people that will then come into your life and be magnetized to the real you. It's a surreal feeling and I know life ebbs and flows, but when you know you are looking after yourself, you will not deplete your reserves when the rough times come and you will have more strength to get through rather then wondering where the heck all those "friends" are that you were there for.

I searched your page for an email address preferring to keep this offline but did not see one. If you have one, please post and I can get in touch with you that way instead of being "anonymous" :)

Kathy and Carl said...

*Big smile with you*

TammyIsBlessed said...

That. is. awesome. And so very God.

Leeann said...

I wish I were closer to you. ((HUGS))