Spending night after night by myself and feeling so lonely...yet at the same time cherishing the solitude.
When I am actually in the presence of others and enjoying being sociable for a change...yet at the same time continually looking at the clock wondering how soon I can leave without being impolite.
Getting excited about hosting a group of people - to give me a sense of purpose...yet at the same time wondering what on earth was I thinking and how will I handle it?!
Wanting people to call or email just to ask how I'm doing - and being disappointed when they don't...yet when they do, not wanting to really give an honest answer.
When everything feels awkward and uncomfortable - either awkward silence when I don't know what to say (or where to look)...or when I get so chit-chatty trying to direct the conversation anywhere and everywhere else other than getting down to what's really going on with me.
Wanting so desperately for everyone to like me...yet building up walls so high they're almost impossible to break down.
Lacking all motivation...yet wanting nothing more than improvements.
Having so very much to blog about...yet keeping most of it to myself.
Wanting to keep this post in my 'drafts'...yet wanting to click the 'publish post' button.
(I don't mean to alarm any of you with all of my downer posts as of late. It's therapeutic for me to get this stuff down in writing. Don't worry about me [too much, anyway], but don't hesitate to send up a prayer or two either. I have a feeling it's going to be a rough fall/winter for me this year. But I promise to get a good, positive post in here soon. Besides - I have all of those questions from my blog contest to get to! I'll be working on some of those next, so stay tuned. One of these days, you won't be leaving my blog page feeling bummed out - I promise!)