Sunday, June 23, 2013

waiting to get "back" to normal

Just shy of two weeks ago, I posted about my latest back injury, listing things I was thankful for inspite of the pain I was in. I was doing my best to keep positive in a less-than-ideal situation.

But it's getting harder and harder to stay positive. Tomorrow morning will mark two weeks since my back "snapped" and I am still waiting for things to get back to normal. Granted, there has been improvement by leaps and bounds in comparison to the first few days, but I am still limited with the things that I can do.

And enough is enough already!

Now, I know that there are plenty of people far worse off than I am - I am in no means trying to make it seem like life is so hard I can barely go on. But it is an unfortunate situation that is consuming much of my life these days and is bringing me down. It is my reality and it sucks.

The first two days I could barely move; the second day (Tuesday) being the worst. The pain was excruciating, and pain meds wouldn't touch it. I literally was walking doubled-over (when I could actually walk at all) and all I really felt like doing was crying all day long. While tears were shed several times, I was able to get control and somehow make it through those difficult days.

On the third day (Wednesday) I went back to work. Now, most of you know that my work is cleaning houses. Ha! Thankfully by Wednesday I was mostly walking straight and at this point it really felt better to be walking around than sitting or laying down. So with great caution, I cleaned at two clients' houses that morning and then came home to collapse briefly before going to run my friend's home-based shop for a few hours (as I had been filling in for her while she was away on holidays). It was a long day and I was so grateful when it was over. Thursday and Friday were much the same - still in constant pain and discomfort, but feeling the best when I was walking around so I cleaned for another 3 clients as scheduled. The girls still picked up a lot of the slack at home, since after I was finished my paid jobs, I couldn't even fathom doing anything else.

Les and I had a date night on the Friday and I was in a lot more pain that evening as sitting down for a longer dinner at the restaurant was a bad idea. I got up towards the end of the meal to use the washroom, and I was back to being doubled-over as I made my way through the sea of tables to the restrooms. Luckily at that point of the injury, once I'm up and around for a few minutes I was able to straighten up, but this is the reason why it's best to stay up and walking around if at all possible. However, that does get tiring, and my back can't always handle that, so sitting down is sometimes a necessity.

After Monday rolled around, I was sure that things would start to improve faster. Afterall, it had been a full week. I did notice that going from sitting to standing was getting slightly easier, although still far from a fluid action. But all in all, things were still difficult.

The week passed with some hurdles, but I was clinging to any and all signs of improvement. On Friday morning I headed into the city for a Physiotherapy appointment and came home with some exercises to do to try to get things back to normal. It appears that I may have a bulged disc (this cannot be confirmed without an MRI but that's what it looked like). And my pelvis is out of whack. The problem is on my right side, which I sorta figured since often when I would get up from sitting and have to walk somewhere, I could put next-to-no weight on my right foot. I'd have to step as lightly as possible on that foot before having to transfer my weight back to my left foot. I was hoping for vast improvements since that appointment, but it wasn't to be. Well, I shouldn't say that. The evening after the appointment, I thought perhaps that things were getting more on their way to normal. And even Saturday (yesterday) I thought that maybe the end was truly in sight. But today I'm more sore again.

And I'm just so ready for this to be all behind me.

I'm tired of never feeling comfortable. Seriously, for the past two weeks, there hasn't been a single moment where I have actually felt comfortable - entirely free of pain and discomfort. I'm tired of any normally simple task being a big ordeal - getting dressed, having a shower, loading the dishwasher, taking something out of the oven, sitting through church. I'm tired of not being able to sleep in the position that I'm used to - first because I was physically unable to, and now because I've been instructed not to from the physiotherapist (my go-to position is sleeping on my stomach with my right leg lifted up beside me). I'm tired of my girls not being able to run up to me to give me a hug; of having to remind them they can barely touch me. I'm tired of living in fear, wondering if the next move I make is going to be a wrong move, causing me to literally feel like my back is breaking in half.

And I'm tired of the emotional toll this is taking on me...this is all just really dragging me down. I try to put on a positive front, but inside I'm struggling with it big-time. I miss living my life the way I'm used to; the way I'm supposed to. I miss doing more than the bare minimum for my family. I miss being able to do normal everyday tasks without a second thought.

And running...oh, how I desperately miss my evening runs.

I'm going back to see the physiotherapist on Thursday, but since we don't have any coverage, I'm worried about going too many times, given the cost. And I'm too nervous to try a chiropractor (yes, even the "clicky" kinds). So until then, I will continue the exercises suggested to me, keep putting heat on it and yes, continue to try to sleep in a better position.

Other than that, all I can do is wait.

1 comment:

Jackie Klassen said...

Ok - so I'm reading this one week after you've written it. I'm HOPING you are feeling better now? Back pain is not only very painful, but exhausting and depressing!!! Take care, girlfriend, and I will pray for you:)